As a financial coach I read a lot of personal finance books, and there are very few that I would recommend as whole-heartedly as “Broke Millennial Talks Money: Scripts, Stories and Advice to Navigate Awkward Financial Conversations” by Erin Lowry.
Everyone should read this book!
Ever needed to know how to ask for a raise? Or how to ask your fiancé what’s in their bank account? Or to ask your parents if they have enough money for retirement? Or how about how to tell your friends that no, you actually don’t want to split the check when you had a salad and they all had the filet mignon?
This book gives practical advice on how to have all of these conversations and many more, and along the way the author shares personal stories and anecdotes about handling finances. For example, in chapter called “Let’s Talk About Weddings” the author says,
“After a year [in my mid-twenties] with five wedding invitations and no end in sight, I decided it was time to stop trying to “make it work” within my regular budget and instead made “Other People’s Weddings” its own savings account.
[…] Previously, the money I was funneling into my “Other People’s Weddings” fund would have gone into my travel savings account, but considering most of my vacation time had been co-opted by attending ceremonial commemorations of true love, it was logical to just transition the money to that purpose too. I set a goal to have between $2,000 and $4,000 in the “Other People’s Weddings” fund at any given time, so I always had the option to attend if I wanted …”
Interesting idea!
The book has four parts, and I’ll give some highlights of each of those parts below. They are:
- Talking About Money at Work
- Talking About Money with Friends
- Talking About Money with Family
- Talking About Money with Your Romantic Partner
Talking About Money at Work
Asking for a raise at work or getting a new job that pays better are two of the best ways to increase your income. That is the main topic of this first section, which starts off with this provocative quote from negotiation expert Alexandra Dickinson:
“How much are you willing to pay to avoid an awkward conversation?”
Wow! Because honestly, who really wants to go to their boss and ask for a raise? But as Dickinson goes on to say, “If it’s a five percent raise, are you willing to pay that much to avoid the 10 seconds of awkwardness that it would take to ask about it?”
The book includes strategies and scripts for making the ask, but it also talks about how to ask coworkers and other people in your industry how much they make. This can be a key component of knowing if you should be asking for a raise and how much it should be.
Author Erin Lowry includes a story about getting this question in an email from a fellow blog writer:
“Within the hour, I responded to Jackie and shared that not only had I made more than twice what she had charged for the same work, I knew someone with the same credentials as myself who’d made nearly twice what I had. I’d come to learn about the other writer’s rate from doing exactly what Jackie had done with me: asking the awkward question to the fellow freelance friend. After finding out my friend made almost twice what I did, I asked for a sizable increase when I renegotiated my own contract.”
Asking people how much they make is an awkward conversation in its own right, but Lowry shares lots of good techniques for finding out. She also talks about what to do if you feel there is a gender or race-based wage gap, how to make a case for your raise (including keeping a “success folder” to keep track of your accomplishments), and negotiating tactics for getting the most from a new job.
She gives some advice about how to battle your “inner critic,” the one that is telling you not to go for it, and what to do if you get turned down.
Each section of the book ends with a list of challenges so you can put what you have learned into practice. The challenges for this section are:
- Send out six cold emails to ask people about their salaries.
- Practice two negotiating strategies in your daily life in the next week.
- Directly ask a coworker how much they earn using the “over/under” strategy (which she explains in the book).
Three great ways to start prepping yourself for the big ask!
Talking about Money With Friends
This section starts with the simple but sometimes overlooked fact that your friends might have a very different money situation than you do. She shares a story from Gaby Dunn, author of “Bad with Money”:
“I came out to LA and thought, ‘Oh wow, all these people can afford to make these short films and afford to not have a day job […]’ And I really thought it was because I didn’t work hard enough. Then at twenty-five or twenty-six, one of my friends said something about her parents’ owning the condo where she lives, and I said, ‘You don’t pay rent?!’ and she said, ‘No.’ And I know it sounds crazy, but it had never occurred to me that people’s parents give them money.”
We have a tendency to assume that the people around us have the same situation as us, but that is almost never true. Even two friends who make the same amount of money might have very different priorities on how to spend that money. That can lead to misunderstandings and difficult moments.
Lowry includes lots of advice for friend-money situations, including whether you should share your numbers with your friends, what to do if you have vastly different incomes, how to set boundaries, and yes, what to do about all of those weddings.
She talks about our “financial comfort zone,” the psychology of envy, and what to do if you are the friend who makes more money. She gives some good tactics for setting financial boundaries with friends including making a counteroffer, sharing your reason, taking control of planning, and managing expectations.
Some examples:
- “Could we pick a dinner spot that’s no more than $20 each? I actually have a few ideas.”
- “I really appreciate the invitation, but I’m focused on paying off my student loans by the end of this year. I definitely do want to spend time with you though. Would you want to come over for a game night instead?”
She also talks about being vulnerable with your friends about your situation. She includes this story from Caitlin Boston, who was briefly famous for paying off $222K of student loan debt:
“A friend I had lived with in grad school got married right after graduation, and I had less than zero dollars at that point. Her family was from Austria so they were getting married in Austria. At the time I wasn’t as vocal about my financial situation, so I told her, ‘I’m prepping for this big thing and I can’t get out of work,’ and I never told her I couldn’t afford to go to the wedding. I felt really bad about that too, because I’ve never lived it down when I see her [her friend always teases her a bit about not attending her wedding]. Now that everything has come out that I had these massive student loans, it’s become more clear that I wasn’t just being inconsiderate, I just had no money.”
Talking about Money with Family
The section starts with what the author calls “one of the heaviest conversations you may ever have with your parents”—asking them if you will need to take care of them financially in retirement.
Lowry goes on to talk about what I think are equally “heavy” conversations, such as asking your parents if they have a health care directive, a will, beneficiaries, health care power of attorney, etc. “Taking care of these legal and financial documents with both your parents and within your own family if you’re married and/or have children is a huge act of love.”
She also gives what I think is an invaluable piece of advice—to set these things up for yourself so you can be a good model to follow.
“The first time [author Kristin] Wong breached this topic with her own parents was after they brought up a conversation about some recent financial decisions they’d made. She used it as a chance to pivot into an overall discussion about estate planning by first explaining how she was handling it herself.”
She describes a family money situation that I had not considered before, which is what a married couple does when, prior to the marriage, one partner was regularly helping out his or her family financially. What is appropriate now that you are married? How do you have that conversation with your partner, and with your family if that level of support has to change?
She talks in detail about wills, power of attorney, health care power of attorney, and other important documents that can come into play when you are talking about helping a family member. And she gives a checklist of information that, though they may not share it with you directly, you should at least know how to access, such as where they bank, login information for accounts, lists of property they might own, etc.
Lowry also discusses the possibility of financial abuse, from strangers or from other family members, and what to do about it. She discusses how to talk to your siblings about sharing in the responsibilities of helping parents, and about some of the issues that can arise when different members of the family have different levels of wealth.
She includes this anecdote from podcast host Michael Lacy:
“[….] he heard an aunt had been telling family members: ‘Michael, he thinks he’s so much better than everybody.’ ‘That’s really not in my heart,’ says Lacy. ‘I’m really genuinely trying to help, and it’s something I’d never considered before—how my generosity could be perceived in that negative way.’”
This is the longest section of the book and I think rightly so. There is always a lot of history behind any family money conversation, and they can involve people that you might not have that great of a relationship with to start with. Going into them knowing what you are doing can help get the best outcome.
I wrote an article about this exact topic that includes guidelines for how to have family money conversations. This article was based partly on my own experiences helping my mother transition to assisted living. We had many difficult money conversations during that time!
Talking About Money with Your Romantic Partner
This final section of the book starts off with dating-related money conversations, such as who pays for the check. Then it moves on to getting “financially naked” with your potential partner, deciding if you want prenup, combining (or not combining) finances once you are married, and dealing with divorce.
She also talks about how to “fight fair” about money. She suggests laying the groundwork by first talking to your partner about what money was like for them growing up, and what messages about money they got from their parents. Knowing their backstory can help you understand why they are making the decisions they are making.
You also need to talk about your goals and what you value in life. She includes this story from author Melanie Lockert:
“‘In my relationship, from the surface it looked like ‘This is about money,’ but it was actually […] about what we wanted in life. Money represented power. It represented respect. It represented control and it represented our values.’ Lockeret felt that she focused on wanting to travel and move towards their goals together as a couple, while her partner was more focused on his own interests, such as his passion for both music and cars.”
You may feel that your partner wants to do something irrational with money, but Lowry says that before you start making accusations, you should first listen and ask a lot of questions:
- Why is this important to you?
- Why do you feel this way?
- Where do you think this is coming from?
As they talk, your partner might even have a “light bulb” moment where they realize that they are acting just how their dad did, for example, and that they don’t want to act that way.
She gives some practical advice for how to handle money-related fights including:
- Starting with where you are in agreement
- Debating using reality, not perception, which means examining your numbers
- Playing the what-if game
- Don’t rehash your decision
The final chapter in this section is about how to manage big life changes such as a major career shift or having a baby. She also includes an in-depth discussion about deciding when or if to return to work after having a baby.
Why I Think This Book Is So Valuable
Maybe you are thinking, “I don’t need a book to tell me how to have conversations, I have them all the time!” But money conversations are a different thing. The stakes can be incredibly high, and the difference between a productive conversation and an unproductive argument can be life changing. Learning how to have better conversations about money will improve your relationships, your finances, and your life.
I also like that she includes so many quotes from other authors and podcast hosts who talk about these subjects. This gives the reader more resources they can turn to. As I am always telling my coaching clients, personal finance is a lifelong journey! Part of that journey is educating yourself about personal finances.
And I like this book because it is actually readable. There are a lot of personal finance books that are so tedious and boring that I just can’t recommend them to my clients in good conscience. But author Erin Lowry keeps it moving, keeps it interesting, she gives you permission to skip to the chapters that are the most relevant, and though it is not a long book, she covers so many topics that truly anyone can find value in this book.
Have A Money Conversation With Me
Reading a book about personal finance is a little bit like reading a book about doing sit-ups. You will probably learn a lot, but you still have to do the sit-ups!
My coaching sessions are a great way to keep yourself accountable for actually dealing with finances—and having those money conversations. I go step by step with my clients. We talk about goals, spending priorities, money habits, money and emotions, money communication between partners, dealing with debt, saving for retirement and more. As my past clients will tell you, it can change your life!
If you would like to find out more I offer a free 30-minute initial consultation, affordable rates, and coaching is over video calls so I can coach people anywhere. I do not sell insurance or investments or any type of financial product, just practical solutions to put you in control of your money. Learn more and sign up for your free intro call at sjvfinancialcoaching.com.
